Come Thou Fount

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing Thy praise

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above

Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it

Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Here by Thy great help I've come

And I hope by Thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger

Wandering from the fold of God

He to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor?

Daily I'm constrained to be

Let Thy goodness like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart Lord take and seal it

Seal it for Thy courts above.

     If you know much about me, you know I'm not much of one for hymns.  Coming from a very traditional Catholic upbringing, I'm not a fan of being flung back into the traditional.  That being said, this hymn is beautiful.  

    

      This song has been on my heart all week.  We've sung it a few times during worship with IV, but the profound simplicity never really hit me until lately.  This sums up everything I have been feeling lately.  

     God is teaching me daily how to run after Him, to praise Him at all times, and to trust completely in Him.

     In church today, we got a wonderful sermon about God's truth, God's goodness, and God's beauty.  As bad as it may sound, I am most prone to question God's goodness.  After everything I have been through in the past few years, the events in my life have really left me questioning His goodness.  After all, if He was so good, why would He let me go through all the pain I've been through?   And it was everything I needed to hear.  It convinced me to press further into Him all the time.  I really just need to see God's infinite goodness and mercy as shown through Christ.  I need to spend more time with Him, worshipping Him, praising Him, and just having a conversation with Him! 

     I know eventually, God's goodness with show in my life too! I just need to continue to put my focus on Him.  Even when I can't see it, when I can't feel it, He is there, guiding me and leading me, and loving me.  And for this, I am eternally grateful!

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A moment of praise

     I only have a few minutes to type this before I head into my next class - but I wanted to make sure I got this out there.  

     Yesterday, I had a moment of weakness and let you all know about it.  I hope you weren't doubting that my faith is still stronger than it has ever been.  I was just having a rough week.  But right now, I am perfectly okay! 

     I am sitting on the floor in Gilmer Hall, waiting for my next class.  And I knew I needed to be uplifted - after last week and the impending election, I am a mess.  I am downtrodden and weary.  And so I opened my laptop and decided I was going to put on some praise and worship music.  And boy did that help! A beautiful song came on.  And it truly touched my heart.  There was a beautiful Bible verse recited by a child,  

The Lord is the everlasting God the creator of all the earth. he never grows weak or weary. no one can measure the depth of his understanding. he giver power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31



And these words hit me hard.  Yes, I have had a rough week.  But there is nothing that can or should bring me down.  He is still here, He is still holding me.  And so, I have found that new strength I so desperately needed.  I feel like I can finish this race! 

What a Rough Week!

     So, I don't know about you.... but I have had a rough week. Thoughts of the past plagued me, mostly at night.  I started to get upset and agitated and worry. All of which I knew I shouldn't do.  There is no point in wishing for the past.  Your past is the past for a reason, so why wish for anything other than what your life is now?

     I have been craving company while I've been feeling like this - this week, I have felt like I live on an island alone.  And it has taken a toll emotionally.  I feel like I'm losing some of my joy.  

     But I haven't been alone.  My friends are keeping an eye on me.  I text them when I really feel like I need to come back to reality, and they always say what I need to hear.  It's not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but it's always the message I need.

     Academically, I am not doing so well right now.  This week, I got my midterm grade back, and essentially found out that I am failing the class.  I had so much reading, I was feeling overwhelmed.  And because I attend a school for the brightest of the bright, I was consequently feeling like one of the most dull people ever.  Everyone else had valid and brilliant ideas to contribute in class, and I was sitting there wondering how much longer til we got out! So academically, I have been feeling pretty low.

     And then there was emotionally.  I was staying up way to late at night, trying to finish all my homework on time.  So naturally, I was up until the wee hours of the morning, and getting distracted.  Naturally, my mind turned back to the darkest place I have been, and I all the sudden started to miss what I thought I had then.  What I wished I had, but that I had fabricated in my own mind.  It was a false reality, but I started to miss it.

     And then, there was physically.  I have had a sinus infection for nearly a month now.  And on Wednesday, I woke up to the most painful sore throat I have ever had.  It hurt so badly I couldn't even swallow properly.  So naturally, I took another trip to Student Health (my third trip since school started).  And what did they tell me? My sinus infection was back, and draining into my throat.  Which apparently is a good thing?  They also told me they couldn't give me anymore antibiotics because I had already taken such an aggressive one only two weeks before.  So basically, they told me to take Nyquil and ride it out.  And then the cough started.  And I was coughing all the time.  And if you haven't coughed in a while, I will remind you.  Your throat hurts, you're coughing constantly, and exhausted.  It isn't fun.  

     So that's how my week has been.  Rough, huh?  Could be rougher, I know.  But this week stretched me to my max.  I felt like I was at my breaking point, and this was only a few minimum stressors.  

     But I didn't break.  I had my faithful friends there to catch me when I was falling.  I have gotten so much helpful advice this week.  And I am So thankful for each one of them.  They all reminded me of the joy that I should have.  Each of them reminded me to press closer to Our Lord through all my troubles.  And I did. 

     And now, I feel like I am ready for the week ahead of me.  I feel happy, and encouraged, if exhausted.  Academically, I feel like I am ready to tackle the week.  Emotionally, I am still struggling, but I WILL get there.  And physically, I still feel weak, but I am gradually starting to feel better.  

     I need these constant reminders to press into Him.  God has placed these wonderful friends in my life to remind of this constantly.  And it works! When I press into Him, I feel better than I have felt in the last week!

Brokenness

     Brokenness.....there is so much brokenness in the world. My friends are facing it, I have faced it. Everyone has brokenness in their lives.

     It is entirely up to each person how they deal with the brokenness in their lives. I resisted it for a long time, and it only brought me more pain.  I thought I could deal with my pain and brokenness alone.  I could handle it. No one should have helped me. And then, I really broke down.  And some of you knew me then.....I was in a really bad place.

     A lot of the brokenness in my life came from relationships I had thrown myself into wholeheartedly. I was intent on making it work.  And it was all wrong.  God had other plans for me and I was resisting, trying to make my plans His plans.

     And then when I gave up on life, He was still there for me.  I fact, He was the only one there for me.  If only I had realized this sooner.

     I'm writing this for a particular friend.  One of these days, I'll reveal my the brokenness of my relationships to you.  (But that's a personal story that I only share in person! Wanna meet me and learn it? I'm open to it!)  

     One thing you should realize; that I really struggled with was the question of whether I was worth anyone's love.  I had been rejected enough I questioned whether I was worthy.  I had lost all self-confidence and self-worth.  At that point, I was getting my sense of worth from my relationship with others - men in particular.  And it was all wrong.  God is where I should have been achieving my self-worth. I should have pressed into Him like I am now.  I love the phrase "Our God is a jealous God." He is JEALOUS for me! How beautiful is that?  He wants me so much He is jealous! He is jealous when I give my time to other things.  He is jealous when I get caught up in my inter-personal relationships.  So now, I am taking it easy.  I am staying single for a while, and just simply enjoying having a personal relationship with my Savior.  I confide everything in my life to Him, all my concerns, all my insecurities, all my stresses.  It all goes to Him!

    When you reach that point of no return, He is the only one left for you.  When you reach that point, you'll see that even when you can't rely on your inter-personal relationships, you can ALWAYS rely on Him!

In His Presence

     So I'm not being very good about blogging as frequently as I said I would!

     So where am I, you might ask?  I've been really caught up in school and everyday "stresses."  Last week, I had 5 papers due - one for each class!  But this week is a little better, so I will try to post more frequently!

     Today, I am thankful - simply thankful!  I had a rough weekend, but I am back to where I now call my home.  And I am hunkered down.  For those of you who don't know, Hurricane Sandy is sweeping the Eastern Seaboard.  UVa. cancelled classes today, much to the relief of all the students! So how am I spending my time off? I'm worshipping!   I'm sitting in my dorm room with all the lights on, listening to praise and worship music, reading John Piper devotionals, and sipping hot apple cider!

     Outside, its is cold and rainy, and windy.  But here in my room, I feel comforted and happy, and peaceful! It's a beautiful day for me!

     And because of this change in me, I want people to notice I've changed.  Everything about me has changed.  I used to stress constantly, about all the little things.  And now, I feel like I don't even know how to be stressed anymore! I'm not upset that I'm alone.  Because I know I'm not really alone - ever.  He is constantly with me!  And this realization has been life-changing.  I catch myself thinking about things I shouldn't, and am instantly brought back into His presence.  My actions are more geared toward what He would want me to do!

     And as difficult as it is for me sometimes, I am learning to swallow my own pride and apologize for my wrong-doings.

     So today, I have spent almost the whole day worshipping Him, reading His Word, and rejoicing in His Presence!

In His Hands

Hold My Heart



     In case you haven't noticed already, music is a BIG part of my relationship with God.  I feel like God speaks to me through music.  There is always something that Christian music says to me.  And tonight, this is the song that stood out.  I heard it while I was in the shower, and I knew that it was something I had to tell you about.

     If you've read my previous posts, you have some idea about the dark place I was.  And when I was in that place, I had nowhere else to turn but God.  I saw on Pinterest the other day a beautiful quote: Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom for you to realize that He is the rock at the bottom.  And for those of you who haven't figured it out, I have definitely hit rock bottom.  I literally had nowhere else to go.

     When you reach the point where all your human relationships are failing, when you feel like there is no reason to keep living, maybe you'll understand where I'm coming from.  And all this time, I prayed.  And it felt like I was talking to a brick wall.  I got nothing back.  I felt like even He didn't love me at that point.  And I was begging for Him to hear me.  And for months, I felt like He didn't.  And like the song says, I was just one voice in a sea of pain.  How was He ever going to hear me?  My own friends couldn't even hear my silent cries for help.  (Again, I know I wasn't trying very hard.  But I wish someone could have helped me!)   He would NEVER hear me.  And I drifted.....I prayed, but felt nothing back!  Then, Spring hit, and I felt hope again.  So I started praying harder.  And I definitely still had my lowpoints, but I felt like it was possible for me to go on with my life.  But I still felt so far from Him.  What more did He want from me? What would it take for Him to hear my prayers?

     And then, school started! And I was so nervous and miserable.  The thought of what had happened last time around paralyzed me with fear.  I was having panic attacks so bad, I was unable to sleep - just at the thought of school starting.  And then, I got involved in Intervarsity, and made some great friends.  And they seemed to happy - and I wanted that kind of happiness.  So, I started asking God to help me be happy! To help me be like them!  And you know what? He made me happy! Happier than I have ever been! I was that one voice He heard.

     And now, I take every little concern I have to Him.  And He addresses all of them! I don't have to worry about something in my plan for my life going wrong.  He is the one who holds the plan - every "bump" in my road is in His plan! And now, I understand that He let me go through what I've been through just so that I could learn to rely on Him.  And I've learned my lesson well.  I trust Him in everything now!  There is No reason I ever need to feel like I did in the past.  I have Him and He is all I need.  I am and will be happy as long as I am in His Hands!

Friendships

     Today has been a great day! Well, actually, the day started rough - migraine and trip to the Student Health Center and all.  But the evening was great! I rocked in class, and had a delicious dinner! And then, I got to spend time with my amazing, faithful friends!  I am SO uplifted whenever I'm around them! What have I done to have such amazing people in my life?  Even on rough days, when everything seems to be going wrong, I can be around them and things just seem better!

     So, I got to see my friends tonight.  And I was so encouraged - they are helping me more than they know.  I don't feel like I have to pretend to be something I'm not around them.  As cliche as it sounds, they really accept me for who I am!  And they are SO much better than I am.  I have sinned and made so many bad decisions - that they are aware of - and I feel no judgement from them.  Only friendship!  And it is beautiful! It is unlike any of my other friendships.  

     In many of my other friendships, I have always felt like I was the one putting all my energy and effort into the relationship.  And I usually got nothing back.  Any conversations we had were always spurred on by me.  If we hung out, it was because I initiated it! But this is different! And why?  Because this relationship is based on our relationship with the Lord.  They see what he is doing in my life, and I see what He is doing in my life.  And I know He placed them in my life to help me on my path to Him.  And that is a beautiful feeling! 

That Awkward Phase

     So I went home this weekend.  Not the place I've made my home for only about 8 weeks - the home I've grown up in.  The home my family still lives in.  And it was awkward.

     I felt like I didn't fit.  My family had just continued their lives at home, just a big thing was missing - Me.  And it was almost like they didn't even notice.   In the last couple weeks, there have been some BIG changes in my house.  My little sister got her driver's permit.  That is HUGE....and how did I find out? It was casually mentioned over the phone in the middle of a rather taut conversation with my Mom.  And yeah, we were arguing about stupid stuff....

     And today's post probably isn't going to seem that uplifted.  Simply because I'm not feeling uplifted today - I don't really know how I'm feeling.  Anxious if anything, and I don't even know why!

    But I want to stress how important those family relationships are.  I never really realized just how much I valued mine until I came home and realized I hadn't been putting that much into mine.  I've been SO caught up in my own life, I didn't make the time for the big things in their lives.  I only talk to my family every couple days, usually to complain about something going not so great at school.  I need to stop using my family as an outlet for me to vent about a bad day, or about something I think is going wrong.  I need to spend more time pouring into my family the love that has been given to me, the happiness that I've been feeling lately!

     As I'm writing this, my brother is off somewhere by himself, my sister has barricaded herself alone in a room to listen to her music (not the uplifting Christian "crap" I've been listening to - her words, not mine), and my parents are at a party.  So yeah, I kinda feel like I don't belong again.  And how bad is that? You don't feel like you fit in at your own home.  So where do I fit in? Where does God want me to fit in right now?

Still that Girl

     So this blog post is gonna get pretty personal - you're gonna get a real look into what my last year has been like.  So if you're new to me, don't think I'm crazy.  And if you already consider yourself one of my friends, and didn't know what I've been struggling with, here you go....

     A lot of you know I attended Lord Fairfax Community College.  I spent 2 years with you guys.  And I loved it.  It was so different from high school for me.  I went from home-schooled from fourth grade to pretty much the 13th grade at LFCC.  And it was a culture shock! It took me a while to get used to you guys.  But I loved the community.  I felt so close to all of you. I was super-involved politically.  I knew what I wanted from the world, and just how I was going to get there.  I was so passionate about everything I got involved in.  I had a purpose.  And I felt loved.   And then, all of the sudden, my two years with you was over.  Graduation hit, and I no longer had a purpose to being at that school - it was time for me to move on.  But my heart wasn't in it.  I had applied to only three schools, and at the top of my list was attending UVA.  But as the start date for UVA approached, I was only filled with dread.

     I didn't want to leave LFCC.  I didn't want to leave my friends - I was determined I would lose them if I didn't see them.  I was terrified to leave my family and be on my own for pretty much the first time ever.  But it was an inevitability.  So I left.  And I came into UVA with no expectations whatsoever.  I was so tied to my former life, my former school, and my friends there.  I immediately shut myself away in my apartment.  I didn't attend the student activities fair - I avoided meeting new people, thinking I would betray my old friends if I made new ones.  So I just didn't.

     So I was here, completely alone.  There was really only 2 people holding me together.  And they were barely holding themselves together - I REALLY don't know how they helped me at all.  By this point - only two weeks into the school year, I was so suicidal I was sleeping in a school building to avoid going home and being alone.  I drafted my suicide letter, just in case, and told those two people where to find it in case anything did happen to me.  And I had no idea what to do, or where to go.  I was completely, 100% alone in this.  No one understood what was happening to me.  My friends from back home were concerned by what I was posting on Facebook and Twitter.  So, they started to come and stay with me.  My best friend came and she and I shared a whole week here together.  But it was everything that was wrong for me; we partied like it was going out of style.  In one night, I had more alcohol than I had ever had.  And it was all wrong for me.  I was miserable.  And then, she left.  And then my other rock came and stayed a weekend with me.  When he left, I felt like my world came crashing down.  If he didn't even want to stay with me, what did I have left.  I was a nobody - someone that no one cared about.  If he couldn't love me, who could.  He knew what a bad place I was in, and he didn't help me.  He probably just didn't know how - but he left, and that was enough to make me feel alone.

     So then, I decided I would pull myself out of this funk I had gotten into.  And what better way is there than to raise a puppy?  So I found one, and adopted her, and named he Chloe.  And I loved her.  That weekend was the happiest I had been in a long time.  I felt loved, and needed.  Oh so needed.  She cried incessantly.  The people in my building complained about the noise - but I was there for her.  Another friend came to visit for dinner and wanted to meet Chloe.  It was a cool Fall Saturday night.  So we went to Boylan Heights, and I will admit, I fed Chloe from my plate.  Then, I went back to my lonely apartment, and my friend went home.  After she left, I cried and cried.  I was completely and entirely inconsolable.  I felt like the life I was supposed to be living was leaving along with her.  But Chloe just climbed up into my lap and laid on the floor with me.  She was there through all of this.  And then, as I was getting ready to go to bed, she peed on the bed.  And that was the last straw for me.  I broke down and called my Mom, begging her to help me.  She said I had taken on too much, thinking I could handle a puppy.  So I agreed to give her up.  That is entirely the hardest, most regrettable decision I have ever made.  I was devastated.  But I sat up with her all night, cherishing the time I had left with her.  On Sunday morning, her new owner came and picked her up.  And I was left alone, again.  Completely alone.  The one thing that had loved me and relied on me was gone.  And that's when I gave up.  I completely gave up on my life.  I wanted nothing to do with it.  But there was no point in ending it.  I was destined to just go through in constant pain, constantly wishing it was all over.

     That day, I didn't eat.  I didn't sleep.  I couldn't even cry anymore.  I just laid there, completely numb.  I had been in so much pain, and this was a sweet relief.  I shut my phone off to escape from the constant barrage of "Are you ok?" coming from my family and friends.  I just couldn't describe where I was.  I was lost, and drifting, and I knew I was definitely NOT ok.  Then Monday came and went.  I didn't even get out of bed.  Food was a foreign idea I couldn't face.  And then Tuesday came.  And things didn't get any better.  I just wanted to shut myself off, make all these feelings go away.  And finally, on Tuesday night, I called my Mom.  I knew I needed her.  She would know how to make the pain go away.  So, I made the call.  I distinctly remember saying: "Mom, I don't know where I am."  So, she agreed to come see me.  She gathered up my siblings, and drove down for what she thought was going to be lunch with her homesick daughter.  But when she walked into my apartment, she realized it was a bigger mess than she had thought.

     To say I hadn't cleaned is an overstatement.  I hadn't done anything in nearly a week.  My apartment was a mess.  The messes that Chloe had made were still there - I didn't have even the energy to clean that up.  My food leftover from the dinner with my friend was still sitting untouched on the counter.  There was wrappers strewn all over the floor.  For those of you who know me, I can be little OCD with how clean I like my stuff, right? So this wasn't me.  I was literally living in filth.

     So, my mom called our family doctor, who also happens to be a family friend.  And he recommended I see a health professional immediately.  So my mom arranged the appointment.  Since the building it was in was only down the street from me, I walked there with my family.  And all I remember from that walk was being surprised I had even the strength in my body to walk at all.  I felt nothing.  And I sat through the appointment.  I don't even remember what happened during it.  All I know was how numb I was.  I felt nothing anymore.  It was as if I had turned myself off from dealing with all the pain.  I do remember one important facet of that appointment, though.  They wanted to know how I was doing in school - if I could keep going.  And i just knew, in that instant, that there was NO WAY I could physically finish school feeling like this.  So I asked to withdraw.  And they agreed.

     I'll spare you all the monotonous details of the rest of that week - it was all administrative anyway, nothing good.  But through it all, I remained numb, and shut down.  By Friday, I was back in NOVA, in a psychiatrists office.  It was just another appointment to get through - and I'd been through a lot at that point, so I was prepared to just sit there.  But he was determined to engage me....and I tried, but I just couldn't physically do it.  And for the first time in a week, I cried.  Not sobbing, not a little bit....I had tears pouring down my face.  And all the sudden, I could feel again.  And again, it was acute pain. I realized in that one moment, that I had failed.  I had failed my family's expectations for me, I had failed Chloe, I had failed my friends, I had failed even myself.  I had dropped out of school..... what was I going to do?!  And my doctor assured me, that I had enough on my plate to worry about all of that then.  But, he did want to keep seeing me.  So I went back for more appointments.

     In total, I don't even know how many times I saw him.  But it was at least once a week from September to July.  So, a lot.  But I am okay now! I feel great.  Through IV, I have found a new family.     I have a reason to keep going now.  I have my passion and my spark back.  I WANT to enjoy my life! And I am SO filled with hope.  Hope for my future.  I know that He holds me in his Hand.  After all, my name is graven on his Hands.  MY NAME! I don't need anyone else but Him now.  I don't have to worry about revealing this dark place inside of me to Him.  He already knows it.  And He shines a light on it.  He has turned that sorrow into a beautiful thing.  I can use my experience to help others.  I want to help others in my position.  I just don't know how! But, I am trying actively to figure out how! I want to bring God's joy to them! To encourage them to take that pain to Him and to trust Him with what He is doing in their lives.

     So, by now you're all wondering - how does this relate to anything she has talked about before? Well, I was listening to Spotify tonight, and a beautiful song that really speaks to my heart about this came on.  It's called still that girl, by Britt Nicole.

"Still That Girl"

Dreams, they come
Plans, they change
Yea, we're gonna break
Yea, we're gonna break
Things we face make us who we are
Baby you're a star shining in the dark
Let's go back to the summer, summer when
We dreamed in love, let's go back again
Let's go back again
Yea, back again, my friend
To the summer when...
I'm holding a picture from seven years back
I smile at the memory, it's smiling right back at me, and I see
Brown hair and bright eyes, such a beautiful blue
A heart full of laughter with nothing to lose
That's how I remember you

You were young, you were free
And you dared to believe
You could be the girl
Who could change the world
Then your life took a turn
And you fell, and it hurt
But you're still that girl
And you're gonna change this world
Woh oh oh oh oh oh
You're still that girl
You're still that girl
Woh oh oh oh oh oh
You're still that girl
You're still that girl

Sometimes life don't go the way you planned
And we all have days when we just don't understand
Searching for meaning, it's not always easy
But your story's not over, it's still being told
Your sunrise is coming brighter than gold
Let's go back again
To the summer when

You were young, you were free
And you dared to believe
You could be the girl
Who could change the world
Then your life took a turn
And you fell, and it hurt
But you're still that girl
And you're gonna change this world
Woh oh oh oh oh oh
You're still that girl
You're still that girl
Woh oh oh oh oh oh
You're still that girl
You're still that girl

What if the picture is bigger than you see?
And God has you right where he wants you to be
Just listen to your heart
He's telling you with every beat
[x3:] You're still that girl

You were young you were free
And you dared to believe
You could be the girl
Who could change the world
Then your life took a turn
Don't you know?
Don't you see?
All you need is to believe
But you're still that girl
And you're gonna change this world
Woh oh oh oh oh oh
You're still that girl
You're still that girl
Woh oh oh oh oh oh
You're still that girl
You're still that girl

I see it in your eyes
I see it in your smile
You're still that girl
You're still that girl

     And I feel like I really needed this tonight.  God is reminding me that despite everything I have been through.  Despite that utter despair and darkness, He is there for me.  He is the One who loves me.  And I am ok - I will be okay!   And for me, that's enough for right now.  

Running in Relationships

Hello, All my Lovely Friends!  I am SO sorry I haven't posted in a few days! I have been feeling very sick, and spending all my free time in the doctor's offices! But I promise to try harder to write everyday!

  "Lifeline"

Here I am
Drowning in a sea of my own choices
Holdin to a hope by a thread
Yeah
I'm lookin round
I'm callin out, fear pulls me down
When the waters rush over my head

You are my lifeline
You are my rescue
Strength in my weakness
Light in my darkness
You are my safety
Lifter of my head
The air that I need when
I can't seem to breathe in

You are my lifeline
You are my lifeline

How many times
How many turns will it take till I learn
You reach for me in my need
And when I cry I will faithfully find you
When life comes crashin on me

You are my lifeline
You are my rescue
Strength in my weakness
Light in my darkness
You are my safety
Lifter of my head
The air that I need when
I can't seem to breathe in

You are my lifeline
You are my lifeline

Your there in my brokenness
And my distress
My rock when I'm stronger when I'm powerless
You hold me and rush when tides and waters rise

And I always find

You are my lifeline
You are my rescue
Strength in my weakness
Light in my darkness
You are my safety
Lifter of my head
The air that I need when
I can't seem to breathe in

You are my lifeline
You are my rescue
Strength in my weakness
Light in my darkness
You are my safety
Lifter of my head
The air that I need when
I can't seem to breathe in

You are my lifeline
You are my lifeline
You are my lifeline
You are my lifeline!

     So, I don't usually promote a whole song, but this song is exactly what I have been needing. Mandisa has really been speaking to my heart lately!  This song hit the nail on the head for me.  

     I grew up Catholic, so Christianity isn't a new concept to me, but the way I am practicing my faith is entirely different from what I am used to.  Growing up, church to me was a mandatory thing.  I went every Sunday, and frequently, every day with my Mom.  After that, church wasn't exciting.  It was never something I looked forward to.  But now, that has all changed.  I cannot wait to be around my brothers and sisters in Christ.  I cannot WAIT to connect with my Savior through worship! My religion is more of a relationship now! 

     And relationships are something I have never been very good at.  If you know my relationship history, you know I don't like to deal with things when they get difficult; I shut down.  Which is where I am spiritually right now.  

     Being sick has really thrown me for a loop.  I got so sick at the beginning of school last year that I had to withdraw.  And now, I'm sick again - and I've missed classes because of it! Every morning, I wake up exhausted and in pain.  And academically, I'm actually worried! I have so many anxieties about feeling the way I feel now - what if I just keep getting worse.  And my doctors don't know why I feel like I do - I am physically exhausted - too exhausted to deal with everything else on my plate.  Consequently, I have really been wondering why God is letting me feel like this.  Why if I am following His will, like I think I am, would He let me suffer?

     But deep down, I know that God knows what is best for me.  He must have some reason I'm feeling like this.  I'm just trying to find out what that is!  And in the meantime, I need to use this struggle as an opportunity to press into Him in my difficulties.  I have not been very good in the last few days at doing my reading, I haven't been praying as much, and I have not been leaning on Him like I should.  I have been putting too little effort into that relationship.  And this may seem like a trivial thing, but if getting sick can throw off my relationship, what else could? And I     don't want ANYTHING to interrupt where I have been going.  

     Jesus has been filling me with His overwhelming Love.  He has placed me in a community that is helping me to grow, and flourish! He has placed all the people I needed right into my lap! It's truly a humbling experience.  I just need to rise up to meet his graces! And tonight, I'm resolving to try even harder to do that! 

A Different Experience

“College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?” 

― David Wood

     This is the permeating attitude at UVA.  Yes, we take our academics seriously.  But here, you work hard and party harder.  Or at least, most of them do!  Last year, I was one of those students.  I transferred here, and I knew maybe 2 people total.  I was uncomfortable and out of my element, and I wanted to fit in.  I thought this was the only way to do that.  So I went to frat parties.  I danced with people I didn't know, drank to "mellow out" and STILL didn't have a good time.  The rooms were too crowded, to loud, and I was crammed in with hundreds of other people pretending to have a good time.  But that's what everyone does, right?  That's what the whole college experience is supposed to be like!  It's all just a big show, and no one really cares.

     Coming back this year, that was my expectation.  I got some pretty awful news right before my 21st birthday.  I got sick last fall, and had to be put on medications... and because of those medications, I am no longer allowed to drink.  The first thing that crossed my mind was how on EARTH am I going to fit in at UVA of all places without drinking?! So, I was filled with dread about coming back to school - now how was I going to make it through all those awkward parties?  I was determined that the only way it was going to work was for me to not go to the parties - or I would end up with a drink or two and regret it for days.  So I just stayed in my room.  About a week into the semester, my roommate told me she was going to a party - did I want to come?  Naturally, I decline, images of last year's parties flashing through my mind - there was NO WAY i was going through that again.  But she pushed a little harder, so I replied that I don't really party much.  I don't drink, so I feel like partying is just not worth it to me!  She assured me that there wasn't going to be alcohol at the party.  So i begrudgingly gave in and walked to the party with her.  As we walked up to the house, I could hear the loud music, but there was no permeating smell of alcohol mixed with sweat.  Ok, so far so good.  I was still determined I was going to leave early, and go home miserable and alone not having met a single friend.  

     We got inside the house, and the place was crowded! SO many people! And they were all dressed in Christmas clothes - it was August - so naturally, I thought it was weird.  I mean, who does that? But then I found out, it was a Christian Fellowship. (WHAT had I gotten myself into?!) But they all had smiles plastered on their faces.  One welcoming face came up to me and introduced herself.  She asked the typical questions - what year are you? are you new here? And I answered them all.  Then she asked me what I like to do in my spare time (and yes, I know I'm unusual) but I like to plan weddings, so I told her.  Instantly, she changed! She got really really excited and started looking around, asking for someone I didn't know! I HAD to meet this girl! So I followed, her, wondering what I had gotten myself into! So she finally found the girl and introduced us.  The first few minutes were a little awkward, but we discovered we had a lot in common! So we exchanged phone numbers.  And we started hanging out, and she introduced me to her friends - all of them really strong Christians.  And their regular, everyday conversations were Christ-centered.  I was so not used to this, but I loved it! And I wanted to be as strong as they are.  They invited me to come to this thing they called Large Group.

     I had questions about what it was like - so I decided to go, with a little prodding of course.  And I went, and loved it! It was all about worshipping and praising God.  And I felt so alive at that moment.  When I told them how much I enjoyed it, they encouraged me to attend a small group.  And I balked at the idea - I was nervous about being around that many Christians, all stronger than myself.  But they gave me the nudge I need, so I went! And I loved it!   And then, they told me about Beach Retreat - an inexpensive trip to the Outer Banks, an opportunity to make new friends, and an overall great experience, so what did I do?        I signed up! And I went! And I loved it! I felt like a real part of a community! 

     

      So I've been tagging along with them as much as I can.  And I will entirely credit my coming to Christ to them.  If they weren't encouraging me every step of the way, I would probably feel a lot weaker.  But I'm not.  

     And I am very proud to say, I have not had a drink since school started.  I have no desire to go out and get a thrill by being drunk.  I don't want to be around drugs, and other unhealthy "recreational" ideas people here seem to have.  But, I have spent every minute here completely, 100% happy! I am making this college experience so different from that typical experience David Wood describes.  My typical week is church on Sunday, classes and homework all day Monday, studying and small group on Tuesday, classes and Large Group on Wednesday, early class homework and Bible Study on Thursday, class and meetings on Friday, and hanging out on Saturday.  And I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.  In fact, I think the other people are missing out on what I have.  I have found a truly fulfilling relationship in Jesus Christ, with real, true, non-superficial friendships.  I want everyone to feel how I feel!!  

     So, pass the word on! Your college experience doesn't have to be filled with partying to be enjoyable! 

Fellowship and Friends

     What a beautiful, God-given day! The temperature is just right, the yellowing leaves on the trees of the lawn here at UVA are falling, and there is so much life here on grounds.  And I am praising God that I am here to enjoy it!  Overall, I am doing REALLY REALLY well here! 

     That being said, I have had a really hard time sleeping lately, having a lot on my mind - but I fell asleep relatively early last night! And woke up BEFORE my alarm - how often does THAT happen in college??? So I woke up, instantly put on my praise and worship music, and allowed the beautiful melodies of Hillsong fill my soul with joy. Today is a good day! I got dressed, and prepared to meet some of my beautiful friends for church.  While I was waiting, I sat down and opened my Bible.  (Now, a story about my Bible.  I grew up Catholic, so naturally, my Bible is Catholic still. As some of you may know, the Catholic Bible has extra books that Protestants don't have.  Sirach is one of those books.)  The first passage my Bible opened to was this:

          A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter:

               he that has found one has found a treasure.

          There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend, 

               and no scales can measure his excellence.

          A faithful friend is an elixir of life; 

               and those who fear the Lord will find him.

          Whoever fears the Lord directs his friendship aright, 

               for as he is, so is his neighbor also.

                                                   (Sirach 6: 14-17)

     And how true this is!  I'd read the passage before, but never really felt like it applied to my friendships growing up.  I always tried to make it fit, but something was always off.  But not anymore.  And why is it? Because my friends believe what I believe - for once!  They are really helping me to grow! And I don't know how I would navigate these new waters of His overwhelming grace and love without them! 

     I feel like I can trust them absolutely.  They know the darkest secrets of my heart, and they are helping me to understand and to see God's plan in all the heartbreak and brokenness that my life was up until now.  

     And after church, we went to breakfast together.  And we "partook of food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people." (Acts 2:46) And I got to experience REAL fellowship! And it was amazing.  It is like every little meeting I have, every meal is drawing me closer to His Love.  

     I am truly experience unity here! Unity with my friends, unity of life, and it is truly a humbling experience! 

Broken, Guilty, Lonely

You say lovely, I say broken
I say guilty, you say forgiven.
I feel lonely, say you're with me
We both know it would change everything
If only i believed, the truth about me!!!

     I just discovered this song on Spotify.  And it has really touched my heart.  For those of you who don't know it, it is called The Truth About Me, by Mandisa.  I've been listening to the song all day! For those of you who haven't hear it, I truly recommend it! 

     I was there, and in many ways, I still am! I have a hard time truly recognizes that I have been forgiven.  My sins are in my past now, and that's where they should stay.  I don't need to be burdened by them anymore.  God doesn't see the darkness in your life, He shines a radiant light into the darkness.  And trust me, I have a dark-side that most people don't know about.  (Who knows - maybe one day, I'll trust you with these secrets of my heart, but not right now.)  But God has forgiven those sins.  He is making me into something shiny and beautiful! 

     For those of you struggling with feelings of worthlessness, who think you can't go on like this.  I really want you to know, I am here for you! I have been there - but you are FULL of worth.  God loves you, and I love you! I want to do everything I can to help you! 

     I created an email, walkinghisfaith@gmail.com so that you can contact me.  If you have ANY questions for me, or prayer requests, or even if you just need someone to talk to, reach out to me! 

     I know how it is to feel broken, guilty, and lonely.  But you should never feel alone like that.  God loves you, He is eternally reaching out to you, asking you to accept Him in.  So take a moment and let Him in.  He can, and WILL change your life like He is changing mine.  He is changing me every moment so that I draw closer to Him and His will.

New Relationships

"All that I need is you - so beautiful"

     This line from Francesca Battistelli's song, "Beautiful, Beautiful" sums up everything I have been feeling lately.

     You know that feeling when you're in a new relationship, and all you want is to spend time with that one special person? Yep, I thought so.  I feel like that All The Time now! And its a beautiful feeling.  Except, aside from all my human relationships, this love will never leave me.  He will never get angry with me; he will never call me needy.  He loves me all the time - his eyes are always on me.  It only took me 21 years to realize it.  21 years! That sounds like a tragic love story, and in a way, it really was.  I was so focused on finding other people's love that I didn't seek out His Infinite Love.

     I always felt like I needed someone else to tell me I was loved - that I was needed.  And then I came to school, and somehow ended up at a Christmas party for a Christian fellowship - and I was determined that I was not going to have a good time, but that I was going to go home frustrated, not having met anyone new, and just in an overall bad mood.  But, that was not meant to be.  God put good friends in my path - friends that would lead me closer to Him.  I went home happy and encouraged like I had not expected to feel.  So I started praying, and reading my Bible.  And everywhere I looked, I saw that He loves me.

     I was just coming off a pseudo-relationship that had lasted two years and turned into all the wrong things.  So naturally, I was feeling unloved, unwanted and just miserable.  That's when it hit me - I don't need a man's love.  I need God's love.  It's only His love that can leave me fulfilled and happy.  And I started to seek Him out.  And now, I can't get enough.  Every night, I struggle to put down my Bible and go to sleep.  I pray until I fall asleep - every moment of every day, my thoughts are on Him.  I find it hard to concentrate on my schoolwork because my thoughts are always distracted by thoughts of Him.  But, I know that this is a good "distraction." My heart is occupied.  It is filled, and I no longer feel alone and empty!

Losing Myself

"The Art of Losing Myself In Bringing You Praise"

     Imagine singing this.  Your eyes are closed, and all you see is darkness.  Is this what it's like to feel lost? But do you really feel lost? I was singing this tonight, and while I was singing, I opened my eyes. I looked around me at all the other Christians in the room, and I marveled in what God has done - is doing - in my life.  I'm not lost.  I've been found.  He has claimed me as one of His own.  But at the same time, I need to lose certain aspects of myself.

     So that's what I'm doing; this is what I'm about now.  I am trying to lose myself in Him; to lose the false identity I created for myself and come into my own as His creation.  It's really a beautiful experience to go through.  At every moment of every day, I feel His peace and His love.  No matter what setbacks I face, I feel more at peace in these last few weeks than I have ever felt.

     I didn't always felt this way.  I felt like a drifter, and didn't really know what my purpose was.  But, I've found it now.  And I want to share this experience with you - with the world.

     I promise I'm not going to preach to you.  I'm actually not qualified to do that - yet! What I am going to do is share with you.  And I want you all to hold me accountable.  I'll try to post something everyday - something God is doing in my life, and something I want to share with you.  I am going to lose myself and become his New Creation.