In His Hands

Hold My Heart



     In case you haven't noticed already, music is a BIG part of my relationship with God.  I feel like God speaks to me through music.  There is always something that Christian music says to me.  And tonight, this is the song that stood out.  I heard it while I was in the shower, and I knew that it was something I had to tell you about.

     If you've read my previous posts, you have some idea about the dark place I was.  And when I was in that place, I had nowhere else to turn but God.  I saw on Pinterest the other day a beautiful quote: Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom for you to realize that He is the rock at the bottom.  And for those of you who haven't figured it out, I have definitely hit rock bottom.  I literally had nowhere else to go.

     When you reach the point where all your human relationships are failing, when you feel like there is no reason to keep living, maybe you'll understand where I'm coming from.  And all this time, I prayed.  And it felt like I was talking to a brick wall.  I got nothing back.  I felt like even He didn't love me at that point.  And I was begging for Him to hear me.  And for months, I felt like He didn't.  And like the song says, I was just one voice in a sea of pain.  How was He ever going to hear me?  My own friends couldn't even hear my silent cries for help.  (Again, I know I wasn't trying very hard.  But I wish someone could have helped me!)   He would NEVER hear me.  And I drifted.....I prayed, but felt nothing back!  Then, Spring hit, and I felt hope again.  So I started praying harder.  And I definitely still had my lowpoints, but I felt like it was possible for me to go on with my life.  But I still felt so far from Him.  What more did He want from me? What would it take for Him to hear my prayers?

     And then, school started! And I was so nervous and miserable.  The thought of what had happened last time around paralyzed me with fear.  I was having panic attacks so bad, I was unable to sleep - just at the thought of school starting.  And then, I got involved in Intervarsity, and made some great friends.  And they seemed to happy - and I wanted that kind of happiness.  So, I started asking God to help me be happy! To help me be like them!  And you know what? He made me happy! Happier than I have ever been! I was that one voice He heard.

     And now, I take every little concern I have to Him.  And He addresses all of them! I don't have to worry about something in my plan for my life going wrong.  He is the one who holds the plan - every "bump" in my road is in His plan! And now, I understand that He let me go through what I've been through just so that I could learn to rely on Him.  And I've learned my lesson well.  I trust Him in everything now!  There is No reason I ever need to feel like I did in the past.  I have Him and He is all I need.  I am and will be happy as long as I am in His Hands!