Trust Issues

I think I know myself pretty darn well.  Or at least, I'm starting to know myself more thoroughly.  And in the last couple weeks, one thing has really been pressed upon my heart.  I have trust issues.

I don't place any trust in human relationships.  And lately, I pulled my trust away from the most important relationship I will ever have - my relationship with Christ.  A couple weekends ago, I found out some not so great news.  I felt like God had thrown a wrench in my plans, and it hurt.  I don't like pain, so I quickly recoiled and pulled away from Him, blaming all that pain on him.  And I know He wasn't trying to hurt me.  But it hurt, and I blamed it on Him.  I stopped doing my quiet times, stopped focusing on and relying on Him.

And these knee-jerk reactions spilled over into the friendships and relationships that tried to push me closer to Him.  I wasn't having it! I snapped at a good friend, stopped talking to a few others.  And in that moment, I decided to walk away from my community.  They couldn't handle me.  I couldn't handle myself.  So I withdrew.  And it made me even more miserable! I needed to press into my community and press closer into the Lord, and I was pulling away from all of it.

Then, last night, someone very close to me said some very hurtful things.  I turned back to my community, because I just couldn't handle it on my own.  I needed someone to help me bear my burden, as heavy as it was.  And they welcomed me back.  Immediately, they took me to a wonderful worship night.  I started out with a horribly heavy heart, and had so many walls up toward worshiping Him.  I felt like I just couldn't let Him into the mess that was my heart.  But after a while, those walls started to wear down the longer I was in His Presence.  And finally, they did! And I cried.  I needed Him.  My soul was so tumultuous without Him.  i couldn't handle my own mess.  But He could handle it with me.

And all the insecurities that had been raised in the past couple weeks nearly disappeared.  I had to apologize for my actions, and the ways in which I had failed, but goodness, it felt good to get back to who I am.  I was made to be in His Presence, and worship Him, and be loved by Him.  I NEED HIM.  I need Him So much more than I needed the old relationship I was missing, and nearly tried to resurrect.  It was safe - it was comfortable.  It wasn't challenging, but it was wrong.  I needed my Lord and my God.  And I got Him.  He came and rescued me from myself.  And it was beautiful!