Where to Even Start

I truly don't have any idea where to start with you tonight, so forgive me if I seem even more stream of consciousness than usual!

First (In an attempt to organize my many thoughts over the weekend), I will tell you about Church this morning!  I attended Truro Anglican Church with a friend, and was overwhelmed by the beauty of the service!  Matt Maher and Audrey Assad led worship at the beginning, and the music truly touched my core.  I could feel the real and true presence of God with me as I sang my little heart out! Right now, I couldn't tell you what we sang, or even any of the lyrics.  All I can tell you is that I was right there in God's presence for a while!  And then, the sermon - preached be none other than Christopher West - brought me even higher.  He spoke of the misery of the human condition, and of the promise that comes after that.  And this was so special to me.  My dark period, I feel was that misery, that horror that comes from being separated from God.  I was searching for so long, and hadn't found what I so desperately needed! But now, I have found the true HOPE that is Jesus Christ!

As a tiny little aside note, I finally understood why a dear friend of mine is always singing! Mr. West's opinions on singing was beyond me, and not anything I have ever been able to understand.  I have always been guarded in using my voice! But she is not the slightest bit shy at at - West paraphrased author Victor Hugo in saying, "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words."  She is so joyful all the time, a song is literally always on her voice! I LOVE THIS!!!!

As crazy an idea as this is, I want to be married to my God.  Who better can romance me, and give me the desires of my heart?  He alone can fulfill all my longings and needs.  I've already tried everything that society suggest will fill those.  I've tried alcohol, I've tried sex, I've tried material possessions, and they fill you for a moment and then leave you with a craving for more that becomes insatiable.  They are simply not enough to fill you.  Only God can do that! I sought my identity in a human relationship, and ended up losing a large part of myself as a result.  How much better would it be to seek my identity in a true relationship with Him?

Another revelation that came to me this weekend is how terrified I am of love.  I dread hearing someone say to me, "I love you."  Those words to me have always made the inevitable separation that comes within a human relationship so much harder.  I've been given the promise of love before, and left hurting and empty.  So consequently, when someone says to me, "I love you," I hear "You're good enough for right now, but eventually, I will just move on."  And I scoff.  I hate hearing those words.  They have become empty and meaningless to me.  And I know how warped and twisted this view is.  I've become that person who is entirely cynical of even the idea of love.  I am enthralled by the prospect of it, but terrified by the practice.  But after this weekend, I know that love, if done correctly, can truly be a good and true and beautiful thing.  So I am going to strive to truly change my beliefs and opinions of love!

So these are just a few of my simple thoughts that came to me over this incredible and amazing weekend! God Bless! <3

John Paul II

Can I say just how much I LOVE this man?  I honestly believe he is in Heaven, rejoicing with Our Lord.  I also believe that there has also never been a spiritual leader that means as much to me as this man does.  Even from a young age, I was brought up LOVING Pope John Paul II.  Along with the rest of the Catholic Church, I deeply mourned his passing.  I still remember the moment when it was announced that he had passed, and the dissatisfaction and discontentment with the idea that anyone other than Pope John Paul II was going to be leading the Church I was a part of.  I knew he had something right.  He was so charismatic, reached out to all denominations, reached the youth.  And, an aspect about him I wish I had discovered long ago, he formulate the Theology of the Body teachings.

Tonight, I attended a seminar on JPII's Theology of the Body teachings.  And it left me dumb-founded.....if only I had discovered this before my train of horrible relationships.  If only I hadn't tried to conform to the world's view of sexuality, and had held onto what I KNEW was correct in my heart.  I feel like had I known what I learned tonight, I may have made significantly different choices in my relationships.  Or maybe not - maybe I needed the exposure and betrayal I've seen.  If it weren't for that, I could still be a lukewarm Catholic.

Just a few tidbits I pulled out of tonight were: That as a human, I have been created with a yearning and a desire for four things - love, union, affirmation, and intimacy.  There are 3 ways to deal with these desires.  To indulge them and become and addict, to repress them and become a stoic, and in a Christian sense of the word, a mystic, who takes these desires and yearnings to Jesus.  And tonight, I realized I used to be the addict, I've swung over to being a stoic, and now I know that this isn't good either! I really need to just take all these desires straight to their source.  God will be able to fill all these longings in me!

At the same time, I know that I will continue to crave a human intimate relationship - and I got plenty of advice on how to make that work when I feel prepared for it! Each partner needs to help push their counterpart  in a sort of exercise towards the infinite and Diving love of God.  Married couples who are living out the Biblical version of marriage should open themselves up towards others and "mentor" them in a sense toward a true and good and beautiful relationship.  And as militant as I have been about avoiding all things Catholic, there was a beautiful Italian priest at this even tonight.  His name was Don Renzo Benetti and I was absolutely enthralled by him.  I have never seen someone so wonderful and beautiful to me.  It was as if he was speaking directly to me! I was so happy with the truth he was speaking, I made a big deal about obtaining a blessing from him.  And he gave it to me and I felt so much peace from it!

 I felt affirmed that I was correct in my religious beliefs.  And at the same time, I am left with so many questions.  The first and foremost of those, is WHY are more Catholics not as impressed by this wonderful theology?  This should be taught to all youth before they even consider a relationship! When am I going to get to implement the majority of this theology in my life? I feel like now I can have a truly fulfilling relationship, if it is with the correct person! And after all the brokenness in my relationships (I am sure I will eventually post about that, but I'm still not okay with putting that chapter of my life down on paper!), it is nice to know that there is the possibility for redemption in that aspect of my life! I mean, I have been told that there is, but I don't think I actually thought that was possible for me! I thought I was too far gone and would never have the kind of relationship that would actually work!

Aaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!! I am so happy I am spazzing out! There is so much hope and joy and fulfillment in me tonight, I feel like I could simply scream!

What Am I Doing?!

I went to the March for Life in Washington D.C. today..... and it was an interesting experience.

I went into the March feeling not on top of my game, and left out and lonely.... and this feeling just carried over throughout the day.

As many of you may know, I am an ex-Catholic.  I left because I found a personal relationship with Jesus, and my life started to turn around.  I was happy and wonderful.  I felt closer to God than I had ever felt.  I didn't realize leaving the Catholic Church could change me so much.  But it did! I started to surround myself with Protestant friends, and to change my lifestyle.  I changed my patterns at home, with my Catholic family, as well.  I put my foot down and refused to attend church with them, choosing to attend a Protestant Church instead.  And this caused some strife with my family.  In case you haven't picked up on it already, my family would FAR prefer that I remain Catholic.

So today at the March, I went with several of my Protestant friends.  But nothing could have prepared me for how I felt this afternoon.  It was like going from a warm, welcoming hot tub into a frigid ice bath.  I was surrounded by Catholics, Catholic priests, brothers, and nuns.  And I was supremely uncomfortable. I felt like they knew exactly what was going through my head!  It felt like they knew that I had "sinned" against the Catholic Church.  And I was terrified.  I started to panic in the crowd, and just wanted to leave!!!

And this started to raise all sorts of questions in my mind: Am I going to Hell for leaving the Catholic Church, like so many Catholics have told me is the case?  Am I destroying my family by refusing to attend church with them? Am I a Catholic, or a Protestant?!  All the prayers being said, and all the images on the banners were so familiar.  Yet, I am happier and better as a Protestant.  It is a battle in me between the familiar, and comfortable and what I know is right and true and correct! And, Why am I feeling guilty for leaving?  Clearly, I have found the better part! I have a PERSONAL relationship with GOD! How cool is that?!

Just my random thoughts for the day!