A moment of praise

     I only have a few minutes to type this before I head into my next class - but I wanted to make sure I got this out there.  

     Yesterday, I had a moment of weakness and let you all know about it.  I hope you weren't doubting that my faith is still stronger than it has ever been.  I was just having a rough week.  But right now, I am perfectly okay! 

     I am sitting on the floor in Gilmer Hall, waiting for my next class.  And I knew I needed to be uplifted - after last week and the impending election, I am a mess.  I am downtrodden and weary.  And so I opened my laptop and decided I was going to put on some praise and worship music.  And boy did that help! A beautiful song came on.  And it truly touched my heart.  There was a beautiful Bible verse recited by a child,  

The Lord is the everlasting God the creator of all the earth. he never grows weak or weary. no one can measure the depth of his understanding. he giver power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31



And these words hit me hard.  Yes, I have had a rough week.  But there is nothing that can or should bring me down.  He is still here, He is still holding me.  And so, I have found that new strength I so desperately needed.  I feel like I can finish this race! 

What a Rough Week!

     So, I don't know about you.... but I have had a rough week. Thoughts of the past plagued me, mostly at night.  I started to get upset and agitated and worry. All of which I knew I shouldn't do.  There is no point in wishing for the past.  Your past is the past for a reason, so why wish for anything other than what your life is now?

     I have been craving company while I've been feeling like this - this week, I have felt like I live on an island alone.  And it has taken a toll emotionally.  I feel like I'm losing some of my joy.  

     But I haven't been alone.  My friends are keeping an eye on me.  I text them when I really feel like I need to come back to reality, and they always say what I need to hear.  It's not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but it's always the message I need.

     Academically, I am not doing so well right now.  This week, I got my midterm grade back, and essentially found out that I am failing the class.  I had so much reading, I was feeling overwhelmed.  And because I attend a school for the brightest of the bright, I was consequently feeling like one of the most dull people ever.  Everyone else had valid and brilliant ideas to contribute in class, and I was sitting there wondering how much longer til we got out! So academically, I have been feeling pretty low.

     And then there was emotionally.  I was staying up way to late at night, trying to finish all my homework on time.  So naturally, I was up until the wee hours of the morning, and getting distracted.  Naturally, my mind turned back to the darkest place I have been, and I all the sudden started to miss what I thought I had then.  What I wished I had, but that I had fabricated in my own mind.  It was a false reality, but I started to miss it.

     And then, there was physically.  I have had a sinus infection for nearly a month now.  And on Wednesday, I woke up to the most painful sore throat I have ever had.  It hurt so badly I couldn't even swallow properly.  So naturally, I took another trip to Student Health (my third trip since school started).  And what did they tell me? My sinus infection was back, and draining into my throat.  Which apparently is a good thing?  They also told me they couldn't give me anymore antibiotics because I had already taken such an aggressive one only two weeks before.  So basically, they told me to take Nyquil and ride it out.  And then the cough started.  And I was coughing all the time.  And if you haven't coughed in a while, I will remind you.  Your throat hurts, you're coughing constantly, and exhausted.  It isn't fun.  

     So that's how my week has been.  Rough, huh?  Could be rougher, I know.  But this week stretched me to my max.  I felt like I was at my breaking point, and this was only a few minimum stressors.  

     But I didn't break.  I had my faithful friends there to catch me when I was falling.  I have gotten so much helpful advice this week.  And I am So thankful for each one of them.  They all reminded me of the joy that I should have.  Each of them reminded me to press closer to Our Lord through all my troubles.  And I did. 

     And now, I feel like I am ready for the week ahead of me.  I feel happy, and encouraged, if exhausted.  Academically, I feel like I am ready to tackle the week.  Emotionally, I am still struggling, but I WILL get there.  And physically, I still feel weak, but I am gradually starting to feel better.  

     I need these constant reminders to press into Him.  God has placed these wonderful friends in my life to remind of this constantly.  And it works! When I press into Him, I feel better than I have felt in the last week!

Brokenness

     Brokenness.....there is so much brokenness in the world. My friends are facing it, I have faced it. Everyone has brokenness in their lives.

     It is entirely up to each person how they deal with the brokenness in their lives. I resisted it for a long time, and it only brought me more pain.  I thought I could deal with my pain and brokenness alone.  I could handle it. No one should have helped me. And then, I really broke down.  And some of you knew me then.....I was in a really bad place.

     A lot of the brokenness in my life came from relationships I had thrown myself into wholeheartedly. I was intent on making it work.  And it was all wrong.  God had other plans for me and I was resisting, trying to make my plans His plans.

     And then when I gave up on life, He was still there for me.  I fact, He was the only one there for me.  If only I had realized this sooner.

     I'm writing this for a particular friend.  One of these days, I'll reveal my the brokenness of my relationships to you.  (But that's a personal story that I only share in person! Wanna meet me and learn it? I'm open to it!)  

     One thing you should realize; that I really struggled with was the question of whether I was worth anyone's love.  I had been rejected enough I questioned whether I was worthy.  I had lost all self-confidence and self-worth.  At that point, I was getting my sense of worth from my relationship with others - men in particular.  And it was all wrong.  God is where I should have been achieving my self-worth. I should have pressed into Him like I am now.  I love the phrase "Our God is a jealous God." He is JEALOUS for me! How beautiful is that?  He wants me so much He is jealous! He is jealous when I give my time to other things.  He is jealous when I get caught up in my inter-personal relationships.  So now, I am taking it easy.  I am staying single for a while, and just simply enjoying having a personal relationship with my Savior.  I confide everything in my life to Him, all my concerns, all my insecurities, all my stresses.  It all goes to Him!

    When you reach that point of no return, He is the only one left for you.  When you reach that point, you'll see that even when you can't rely on your inter-personal relationships, you can ALWAYS rely on Him!